P.S. For a Life Well Lived

  In a little less than an hour from my writing this, Ben and I will be heading to the wake of a young woman from our church. She was only 36 years old and had endured a lifetime of health issues. She had even faced death once before when she needed a double lung transplant and in the twelfth hour a donor was found. You would never know she dealt with so much though by talking to her or by being around her. She was radiant in every way and illness was not something you would associate with her unless you knew her story.
  When Ben and I met Jess and her mother close to fifteen years ago, one of the immediate first impressions we got was just a deep sweetness about her. She was genuinely kind, genuinely joyful, and genuinely hopeful. More evident than anything else however, was the fact that she genuinely loved God and sought to honor Him in everything she did. She was deeply loved and admired, and set an example of unshakeable faith in the face of adversity. Even those of us who weren't in her inner circle of friends, couldn't help but be permanently impacted by watching her faith walk.
  Hundreds of people joined together across the country and likely around the globe, in this last leg of her race and faithfully prayed for another twelfth hour miracle. We had seen it done once.... surely we would see it again. When I saw the post about her passing from her husband, just minutes after he wrote it, I couldn't help but cry. I know she's in heaven and healthy again and worshipping, but from a purely selfish standpoint...this world needs more Christians like Jess...our loss of her is truly Heaven's gain.

  As I sat processing the realization that she was gone, I had an intimate conversation with Holy Spirit and asked Him to speak to me through scripture and give me something in that moment of sadness. As always, He was faithful...and He brought me to a chapter of the Bible, in a very specific translation. He told me this was her P.S. to all of us....and as I read it, I understood why. As a creative writer, I removed the verse numbers and I want you to read this imagining two distinct voices, the voices of those here left behind, and her voice as she steps into eternity.

  I encourage you to think of your loved ones who you've lost that you know you will get to see again when you get to heaven, and think of this as the P.S. at the end of their life's letter as well....and be encouraged by it like I was.

Isaiah 12 

The Voice translation (VOICE)

US: In the face of such grace that day, you will thank God.

JESS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Eternal One,

God of our people, of our promise

For establishing an end to our punishment,

for taking me back with kindness, and comforting me.

See, God has come to rescue me;

I will trust in Him and not be afraid,

For the Eternal, indeed, the Eternal is my strength and my song.

My very own God has rescued me.

US: With joy in each step, you will drink deeply from the springs of salvation.
You’ll want to sing out that day,

JESS: Give thanks to the Eternal; call on His name.

Spread the news throughout the world of what He has done

and how great is His name!

Sing praises to the Eternal!

Everyone, everywhere should know that God acts in amazing ways.

You who live in this God-blessed place, this Zion, shout out and sing for joy!

For God is great, and God is here—with us and around us—the Holy One of Israel.

Love,

Fran

Joy All Ways

Why Do People Commit Murder: A Spiritual Perspective

 This post is in response to the Sandy Hook school murders that occurred just a short drive away from where my own loved ones and I live. So please bear with me, this will be a long commentary as I just don't feel it is fair to the victims or their families to try and abridge the content.


Murder is a horrible and tragic thing. It not only destroys the victims, but it also has within it the potential to destroy the lives of all the survivors left to try and wade through the deep waters of pain and senseless destruction. It is a stone dropped in a pool of water that will send ripples out for years to come. So what causes some people to cross the line and commit this vicious act that offers no chance of restoration for the victims? Well....I want to offer my thoughts on the matter from a spiritual perspective.
Webster's Dictionary defines murder as "to kill (a human being) unlawfully and with premeditated malice."
Hebrews 12:15
Webster's defines bitterness as "exhibiting intense animosity"
After a toxic foundation has been set the very next emotion to be birthed is Hatred. This is where the bitter person begins to systematically remove the offending person from their life. At first they remove them emotionally, but next come the steps of physical removal. 
The next to last progression of emotion is Violence. Violence is anger in motion because it's no longer just in the heart and mind as an emotion, and it's not just spiritual....it's now physical.
Bitterness is a systematic elimination of a human being or human beings that culminates in the final physical act. It is imperative that we realize the importance of why we must forgive. The world is filled with Murder, anarchy, division, Violence and Bitterness. It is in our nation, our churches, our families and it is in our personal lives. We must not allow bitterness to take root in our lives. We must take steps to actively recognize it, face it and put a stop to it by offering forgiveness even when we are justified in our pain.
Ephesians 6:12
Matthew 6:14-15
Please also remember one thing when dealing with your own issues. Although God wants you to have a heart towards resolution with the people you have Bitterness against, if they do not respond to you (because they have the root of Bitterness) then it is not your problem. You have to come before God personally and get your freedom. The resolution comes from God.


Ephesians 4:31 Amplified Bible (AMP)
Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) he banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of ay kind)
Murder is not a random act....even though we may label it that way. Murder is actually a symptom of something much deeper and much more prevalent....bitterness. The root of murder is in unresolved bitterness that has been allowed to fester and grow deeper and deeper into the heart, mind and spirit of the perpetrator. 
Picture it like the branches on a tree. Bitterness is the hidden root system that sucks it's nutrients out of its surroundings. Just like a baby tree....if the root system is fed and watered...it will grow deeper and stronger over time and the visible evidence will branch off into any number of directions. Some of those branches are anger/wrath, gossip/character assassination, hatred, unforgiveness, resentment, retaliation/revenge,violence, murder and even insanity.
When we come to grips with this basic understanding it will empower us to make better choices in our lives to prevent those branches from growing and thereby affecting not just ourselves, but many others who would be victims of our bitterness.

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁵ Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

You know when you've been around a person who is bitter because you can feel it. It doesn't mean that person is evil, it just means there is an unresolved hurt(s) that over time has been fed and watered with feelings of justification. If a wound was inflicted and the person wronged can't remember the incident without feeling a rush of anger, rage, disgust, slander, etc....that's a sure sign bitterness is at root.

So now that we understand what bitterness is, how does it progress into murder? I'm sure you're sitting there thinking..."well I've felt bitterness for something but I would NEVER murder anyone.." Well...let's dissect this step by step.

What's the first emotion you deal with when somebody hurts you? Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness comes when our thoughts replay a mental video of the offense over and over and over in our minds. It torments us the anger we feel as a result of that torment digs the root a little deeper.

The next emotion after unforgiveness is Resentment.
Resentment is the persistent nagging voice that anchors in the unforgiveness by reminding you that you were an innocent victim. It justifies the unforgiveness. The root grows deeper.

Next is Retaliation a.k.a. Revenge
This is when things start to get dangerous. They wronged me, so I'll make them feel what I felt. Coupled with unforgiveness and justified resentment it is now becoming easier to shut off the internal gauge of right and wrong. When acted upon...it numbs the senses and the root grows even deeper.

After these the process still isn't done...it just continues to intensify and get worse. Now something needs to happen to re-inforce all of the previous emotions. Anger and Wrath. See, all of the others to this point can snake relatively unseen below the surface, but anger is very visible. You NEVER have anger without the other three, because it is birthed out of the other three and cannot exist without having them to fuel it. The root grows deeper.



The final stage in this horrible chain of bitterness is the one that brings the most destruction not just physically, but in the hearts of the person hosting it. Murder. 

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹² For we^[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁴ For if you forgive people their trespasses [their ^[a]reckless and willful sins, ^[b]leaving them, letting them go, and ^[c]giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their ^[d]reckless and willful sins, ^[e]leaving them, letting them go, and ^[f]giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.

ConnectedTogether

No...that isn't a typo....I meant to write the title like that. I was IM'ing Rae to tell her about Lori's mom and mentioned how thankful I was that God had connectedtogether sucha great group of friends....and realized what an interesting typo that was. Then I realized how appropriate it would be here too.
So about a half hour ago now I got the phone call I knew would be coming. Lori's mom is gone. I had honestly hoped I could be with the family when the moment came, to just be there to serve any need that came up as they go through this.....but God had other plans....and I trust His judgment infinitely more than my own. So I sent out the notifications to the people in the circle and sat here in silence.....I told Rae,this is so hard for me because I'm a writer.....and there just are no words. she soooo wisely reminded me of something I knew, but needed to be reminded of, something Pastor Will said after his mom died too. Sometimes you just need somebody to shut up and be there for you as you heal. Sure I could prattle on with sweet and flowery words that sound pretty....but I refuse to be a WMC....(a Well Meaning Christian) you know the kind......oh they sound so holy and know all the Christian-ese words to say that "should" be said, but come on......connect with reality! The faith part..the spiritual part of us knows the drill.....we know what we believe and we know where we draw our hope and strength from and when faced with this, we WILL go to Him and He will meet us there.......but losing someone you love STILL HURTS!
So I am so thankful for the circle of NON WMC's that I know will just shut up and be there when I go through things like what Lori is going through now and those in this circle that will join me in being there for her now and I am so thankful that we are all connectedtogether.

Of Snowflakes and Diamonds

***SIGH***

Death………I’ve wanted...or rather needed (nobody ever really WANTS to talk about it) to talk about this for a few days now and just didn’t know how to start it. It’s not an easy topic and quite frankly it’s going to be a long, 5 Kleenex blog entry, for both you AND me. However, I think it needs to be recorded for posterity and not just left to scatter to the wind and be forgotten. Also, the other reason for my delay in writing this is because I know Lori will be reading this at some point and I don’t want to cause more pain where there is already so much right now. So Lori, when you see this…it’s ok if you stop here, I won’t take it personally.

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love. ~Madame de Stael

My first real encounter with the loss of a loved one came in 1999. Now I had lost several relatives before then, but they were relatives that I wasn’t close to, so at the risk of sounding callous, although I truly was sad when they passed, I just never ached that they were gone. My grandmother however, that was a different story. She was ill for quite a while and to see her degrade from the strong woman she once was, to a frail shell of her former self, was difficult. I had taken some leaves of abscence to go down for extended periods of time and care for her before she had to be moved to a nursing home, which I think helped prepare me to lose her...as much as you can be anyway. My mother kept in constant contact with the nursing home…we couldn’t visit because we lived here in Connecticut and she was so far away in Alabama. The nurses kept my mom included in every detail and would give her status updates as often as possible which also helped. I remember though the night that we lost her…..I had a dream that night that I will never forget….one that I have shared some details with people about over the years, but this will be the first time I have EVER shared the entire thing with ANYONE....including my mother and Ben. I guess by keeping most of it to myself it was sort of like clinging onto my own personal goodbye and so I selfishly guarded it. Seeing one of my closest friends though going through such a painful loss has made me finally want to share the whole thing ...Who knows, maybe it will be encouraging to somebody out there someday.....you never know.

In my dream I was walking in a large green grassy field beside a mountain. The sky was a rich bright blue, and the stone of the mountain was bright golden brown rock. As I walked I looked up and saw a grass covered hill extending from the mountain far into the field to my right. On top of this hill was a massive and beautiful tree, lush, full of leaves, and bathed in bright sunlight. I felt drawn to it and began walking towards it. The branches were full of emerald green leaves and I remember the branches rustling as wind whipped down the side of the mountain. As I got closer the color of the leaves began to change from emerald green to a warm golden orange and they began flying off of the tree with every gust of wind until only a few remained. I remember thinking that the whole scene looked like a Maxfield Parrish painting.

As I climbed the hill to the base of the tree I knew I was coming to the end of something…..I just didn’t know what yet. It was then that I heard a voice in the dream recite to me, “ Now a little before them stood an oak; and under it, when they came to it, they found an old pilgrim, fast asleep…..” I looked up at the branches of the tree above me and heard the same voice say, “When the last leaf falls she’ll be gone.” I remember feeling very sad and closing my eyes hoping that would stop the leaves from falling. When I opened them again I was laying down on the ground looking at the branches like a child lays in the grass and watches clouds go by. I watched leaf after leaf pop off in the wind and flutter and fly away until there was only one left amid the dark bark and branches. Then suddenly I saw that one wiggle and pop off, but instead of flying off and away it literally floated down slowly and as it got closer to my eyes I heard the voice again, “ ….yet if the sun of righteousness will arise upon him, his frozen heart shall feel a thaw; and thus it hath been with me.” At the last word, the leaf dropped onto my eyes and everything went black.

I remember sobbing in my sleep and waking up to the sound of the phone ringing, my mother picking it up, and hearing her crying as the nurses told her my grandmother was gone.

I found out later that the quotes I had heard in my dream were from Pilgrim’s Progress…a book I had never read before then. It’s been almost 10 years since I had that dream and yet the tears are streaming down my face as I remember it. As time passes, the pain of losing someone may not be felt as often or as deeply as it was in the beginning, but to some degree it will always be there. Now due to my faith I have a lot of peace about certain things pertaining to death, and I have that with my grandmother....but the physical side of life....that's where the hurt is. The fact that we can't hear their laugh, we can't see their smiles, we can't complain about all those little irritants that used to drive us nuts about them...or call on them when we're hurting and feel their comfort. **sigh** therein lies the pain.

A few weeks ago Lori's mom was suddenly and quite unexpectedly diagnosed with inoperable cancer. It was a shocking blow. This woman who had never been sick a day in her life was suddenly struck down....blindsided. The biggest blessing I have seen so far is that where a strained and painful relationship once existed beteen Lori and her mom, there is now tenderness and affection. Where there was hurt and fear of rejection there is now love and acceptance.

Tuesday night I went with Lori to the hospice her mother had been taken to so we could spend some quality time with her. As we tried to make the best of a sorrowful thing we heard the story of the young woman in the bed next to Lori’s mom. Only six short months ago this 42 year old woman had been the life of the party, well loved by all and living to the fullest. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They had gone in to remove it only to find that it had metastised and there was nothing that could be done. She now lay in a deeply medicated sleep unable to acknowledge or respond to anyone or anything around her. Just hours before we had arrived, her boyfriend, a huge burly biker type, had come to visit his love. Apparently at some point after her diagnosis this once vibrant woman had suffered the fear that he would leave her because of her illness. A fear that I'm sure many people feel when confronted with an illness of this magnitude. Well, that day, quietly, as the other patients in the room and their families sat visiting their own loved ones, he had come in with a group of their friends and family. Amid a sea of emotions he took out an engagement ring, lifted her limp arm and slipped it onto her finger and proposed. As he broke down in body shaking sobs he managed to get the words out, "I promised you I would never leave you...no matter what." his other big burly friends who all looked like they should be bouncers in biker bars all let down their guard and hugged and supported their friend in his impending loss. I think that day, EVERYONE felt his impending loss.

Last year, our pastor lost his mother. She had been ill for a while, but we all held out hope and prayed for a miracle. She was an anchor in the church to say the least, a well loved woman with a heart to joyfully serve others in all she did. When we lost her it was one of the largest funeral processions the community had ever seen. The family has peace about losing her because they know how strong she was in her faith, but the physical pain is still raw. Days before she died I was in church with friends praying for a miracle when I suddenly felt impressed to grab a pen and paper and start writing.

What came next was a miriad of comparisons between snowflakes and diamonds..... Both are beautiful and both sparkle in the light...but that is where the similarities end. Snowflakes are fragile and have no substance...they are just beautiful frozen water and when heat is applied, they melt and are gone. Diamonds however....they are created when heat and pressure are applied and when thy are cut, they reflect light even more.

I think death is the final defining moment to show who is a diamond and who is a snowflake. Some melt and simply fade away...others grow stronger and reflect the light. We don't know how, when, or where our time will come but I pray we are all diamonds and reflect the light until our last breath is taken.

Enough is Enough...and That's Enough

Soooooo it’s been a loooooong five days. I woke up last Friday with a very distinct prelude to a cold. That hollowed out feeling in your stomach; a slight fever and that “THING” in your sinuses that makes you sound as if you’re talking from the bottom of a well. I did my usual, loaded up on Zycam and Tylenol, and bundled up. Figured it might last a day and then things would be back to normal….other than that though, I wasn’t really too bummed because I knew it meant I would actually get some rest over the weekend.

**sigh** Friday came and went, Saturday came and went, Sunday came and went….STILL felt like a lump of germs….Monday came and went, Tuesday came…..still no relief. I slept until about noon when the dog woke me up. I went to take some Dayquil and had to stop myself. I hadn’t eaten and through trial and error Dayquil and I have come to an agreement. I will never again take it on an empty stomach and it will never again make me lose my cookies in an unflattering way. So upon recollection of this agreement I knew I had to eat something.

I shuffled my way to the kitchen trying not to trip over the fluff boy along the way because he was so joyously jumping up and down that I had finally felt good enough to get out of bed and play with him. All the while I’m feeling like a slug.

So I arrive in the kitchen and open the refrigerator only to realize there is no food that doesn’t require cooking….and last time I checked condiments, though readily available, still don’t make a meal. **SIGH**….not even bread for toast...I really must go grocery shopping. Hmmm…no energy to cook and no appetite to eat anything having to be cooked. Time for plan B, I decide to go look and see what canned goods I have. Maybe a nice soup…. So I trudge downstairs to the where the pantry is and proceed to open the cupboards. Hmmm…the only soup is cream of chicken, cream of celery and cream of mushroom. Not an appetizing choice at the moment. Cranberry sauce….ehhh…no…. Tons of tomato sauce and canned tomatoes for Mr. B’s chilies and salsas….and every hot sauce imaginable to man…..I really do need to write an entry one of these days about the Bear and his pepper fetish. Anyway, just then I hit the no cooking required mother load. Let’s see a whole little section of possibilities….albacore tuna, wax beans, beans and franks, and turkey Spam. After much deliberation,…I settled on the beans and franks. Not at all a favorite, but considering I couldn’t taste anything ANYWAY it seemed the least offensive.

A short time later as Sargie and I sat curled up in bed, me eating my lunch feeling crummy and him gnawing on his bone I had another one of “THOSE” moments. What good is coming out of this….5 days of feeling crummy….where is that, “oh, well that makes it all worth while” moment….it had to be there somewhere and I just hadn’t seen it yet. Yes, if you haven’t figured it out by now I REALLY DO believe this about EVERYTHING and REALLY DO attempt to always practice what I preach. So I asked God, “Where is it? What was the reason behind me being here this long….I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much or had much impact on anyone or anything. I mean, I trust that you have a reason….I just sure as heck don’t see it…..”

So I finished lunch and decided to turn on the computer and catch up on emails and Facebook and consider my next blog entry as I pondered my question. Just then, the phone rang. I considered not answering it…I felt crummy and the thought of talking to somebody was a bit daunting. I decided to check the caller ID though and see who it was. Lori…hmmm…it was after her lunchtime and she knew I was home sick, so she was probably checking in to see how I was feeling. I picked it up.

What met me next was a sound you hate to hear in general and it’s even worse from the other end of a phone…especially when it’s coming from somebody you care about. Sobs, hysterical and frantic sobs. I immediately jumped up and tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. Amid the sounds of crying, her car keys and door alert in the background and the car engine starting I heard the word “mom” and I instantly remembered her mom had gone to a Dr appointment that morning… My heart sank, Oh Lord, no….not her mom…not now….. Over the next few moments she explained to me as best she could, what was going on….and the outlook was bad…VERY bad. Instantly I began to pray out loud…..to pray for peace, to pray for wisdom, to pray for protection as she tried to drive on one of the busiest highways from her job, 6 towns away all the way to the hospital where her mother was in the ER. Anything that crossed my mind as being important to pray for at that moment I threw in there like a machine gun set on rapid fire.

In an instant, I told her if she wanted me to go with her, I would, and she did. I swear I have never gotten showered and dressed, walked the dog and fixed my hair with time to spare, so quickly in my life. I sent out a quick blurb to some friends who know her and called Ben to let him know what was up and I waited.

In the hours that followed, there was a lot of waiting and hugging and waiting and crying. At one point as we waited for her to be given a room of her own and transported from the ER, I sat in the waiting room thinking and people watching. Then I realized something…..if I hadn’t been sick for the past five days I would have been at work when this happened. If I had been at work I wouldn’t have been able to pray with Lori at that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to jump up and go with her to the hospital at a moments notice and I wouldn’t have been able to stay with them as they waited. So I had my answer….my “Oh, well that makes it all worth while” moment. Was five days of bed-ridden crummy-ness worth it to be able to be there for a friend when she needed it? Absolutely….and I would go through it all again and worse if need be.

Lori and I talked a lot last night…. In person for hours and over IM for a while too. In the end we BOTH concluded that now more than ever, regardless of what happens in life, good and bad….it ALL has a purpose and good will ALWAYS come of it…no matter what. It sounds corny, and the ultimate in Pollyanna thinking, but it’s sure a heck of a lot better than the alternative. I would far rather go through life looking for the good in all the sad, painful, and frustrating things that come my way than to turn bitter and miserable every time things don’t turn out the way I had hoped.

This morning as I was catching up on reading my devotions I was intrigued by yesterday’s entry. The entire thing was very good, but one of my favorite scriptures was highlighted and it was just soooooo fitting.

“Proverbs 31:25 reminds us, "she can laugh at the days to come."

She [The Proverbs 31 woman] was filled with such incredible joy not because life was perfect but simply because she had decided to make laughter, peace, and truth the hallmarks of her life. Proverbs 31:30 goes on to say this was a woman to be praised because she so reverenced God in the shrine of her heart. She knew without a doubt, He was - and still is - enough.”

Now Lori and her family have a long road ahead of them, and it won’t be easy… and it won’t be tearless….but ultimately, good will come of it…every single moment of it. Things in my life won’t always go the way I hoped and sometimes they will just plain suck and look hopeless, BUT good WILL come of every moment of it. Why? Simple…..because God is and always will be….ENOUGH.